When I was little I grew up with boys so naturally I played like them, hard and mean. My cousins and I used to play sports, ride bikes, wrestle like we were on WWE or somethin’ lol. With all that exercise I’d eat quite a bit because I used up the energy the food gave me. I was more of the healthy type eater where I’d rather have a big, juicy red tomato over a candied apple. I’ve actually never have had a candy apple come to think of it. That was by choice, not because there were just tomatoes lounging around, especially at the flea market where I’d asked for said tomato. But, that was me, I’d always been different than the others when it came to food. They wanted the junk and I wanted ‘that thing’ that Nana cooked on the stove(not all of it was healthy, but it was savory). When I was I guess around 9 or 10 I had a really bad accident at the beginning of the summer to where I was bed ridden till school started, I still have the scar. That’s where my eating habits got out of control. Since I was stuck in bed and had no one to play with since they were all outside, I was lonely with only TV and food to keep me company. Food was my new best friend. I wasn’t as lonely with it. So that summer, I’d gained a lot of weight due to my immobility and eating. In the end, I’d become fat.
Once school started, I kept with the same habits I’d formed while not being able to walk, after school let out I raced to the TV to watch my show with a bag of potato chips, that or a bowl of chili and vienna sausages. I just kept getting bigger and bigger without myself even caring or realizing. What 10 year old cares how much they weigh? Now, let’s fast forward a couple of years.
I was 12 and it was summer again, swimming was one of my favorite things to do! I was no longer needing to be in front of the TV screen or video game system(I love games). Anyway that summer through 7th grade, I was molested by a family member who shall be unnamed. He is forgiven and he’s apologized for what he did. It shattered my life, changed it completely into something that I really didn’t want life to be turned into. I became a recluse again, not trusting anyone or anything. I was in incredible emotional pain, him and I were babies together, grew up together, he was for all intents and purposes my best friend and I lost that in just a few moments. It was the worst thing I’d ever in my entire life been through. I’d stopped eating. I was suicidal at 12 years old. But, now instead of eating a lot during the day, most of my eating came when dinner did. I wouldn’t stop at the first plate, I’d go back for seconds, then thirds. Dinnertime was the only time where I got to enjoy my family as a whole and would laugh. Fast forward again.
Now you still have that hole punched through you because you don’t just move on or get over something like that. I’d never had realized it but now it’s this…void in me that needs to be filled but can’t because how do you fill it? Food helped or, at least did before I realized that I actually am an emotional eater, like…two days ago. The thing with me though…I don’t eat if I’m sad or depressed at the immediate time, but it’s that lingering void that gets me. Or when I’m bored, watching a movie or a show. But, now it’s time for me to get healthy and not sit with habits and pain. I have to put some use to my pain.
I begin this journey knowing it’ll be hard but rewarding, knowing I’ll cry but finally get over this Everest. This is my time. This is MY journey!