I’m 20 and 200 Pounds.

711079_472914546100879_614308073_nI’m 20 and 200 lbs.

I look at that number and realize…that’s not the number I want to think of when I think of me. Although, I may love and cherish me…I cannot love that number. Being a big girl is all I’ve ever known. Once I was older and stopped wasting my time on what people thought of me, I stopped caring that I was big. I loved me and still do and really that’s all that matters.

The thing is, I want to be healthy. There’s nothing wrong with that. To be healthy is something awesome and rewarding! I’m scared though for this journey because I don’t want to lose who I am and I feel that I will. That I’ll turn into somebody I’m not and start caring what people think. I don’t want this to change. I love me and this is all I’ve ever known.

Some people say to me, “Once you’ll lose weight, it’ll be great and you’ll be happy and you’ll get to wear all these cute clothes and blah, blah, blah!” But I don’t know how ‘I’ will feel at the end of all that’s coming. And how do they know if I will be happy? What if I’m not and I’m still depressed and feel hopeless? How do they know? I’ve got 70 lbs. to lose and really even more to not be considered overweight, I don’t want to be a different person but I don’t want to still be…depressed from all these years and after all the weight being shed I want to be happy, but will I be?

I don’t want to lose all my thickness so I’m hoping to close in on 130 pounds. Damn. Come to think of it, I haven’t been 130 lbs. since I was in 7th grade. It’s scary. While it might very well be great to lose that weight I’ve set, I’m scared.

I’ve tried Weight Watchers before and it’s an awesome program! But I need more than just a food tracker, I think. So, despite my being afraid of losing myself in losing my weight, the thought of every time my leg goes numb could be the sign of diabetes, and after time and time again of pouring food…bad food…down my stomach, I’m going to make this food blog to help me become healthy. That’s what I have to think of it as, because if not I know I won’t follow through. It’s not for clothes, it’s for me not become at risk for heart problems or diabetes.

I’m going to track everything here. I might end up putting more than just food, because other accomplishments in my life are important. Food is part of my life so my life is going to probably end up coming into this blog. I need to write down my emotions and decisions, whether stupid or not. My exercise activities. And maybe even some happy moments, because we can all use those. This is a journal for all intents and purposes. This is for me, about me. I am an open book and if you want to share this time with me and help in motivating me towards my goals I would be so grateful because this won’t be such an easy journey.

The rest of my life will be starting on the second week of January on Monday, the 7th. Not because I’m procrastinating on tomorrow but because that is going to be my weigh in day with my mommy. I have much more to lose but her support and the support of others around me will get me through each day. So…tomorrow is junk day to eat whatever I want before officially weighing in! I know that’s probably horrible to start this food blog, but oh well! I will still take pictures of everything I eat and record it tomorrow. Then we Weight Watch!(:

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